Thoughts..

It's been a while since I have actually picked up a bible and started reading it seriously. I decided that today would be my first day doing it. I decided to start off by reading John , and so far I have read up until the end of the 1st chapter. It's hard for me honestly because I don't know what to do . I want to be like others who read it and is able to just ask the right questions. As for me, I don't know what to ask or how to look at it. My mother always said "when reading the bible, think of ways how to apply it to yourself.." I've tried doing that but, it isn't easy. But i wont give up, I'll keep trying. I won't let satan ruin my journey with God.  I have been so far from Christ and his teachings. I have been doing complete opposite of what he is about. I am a liar and a thief. My mouth declares his name but my heart is not. My lifestyle does not follow what my mouth preaches. My head knows better but my heart isn't pure. I am not the same person i was coming in. I have changed for the worse. I want to stop being a hypocrite, I want to stop saying God's name in vain. I want to be a better person, a person who is bent on living their life solely for God. These past couple of weeks, I've been so preoccupied with body image and earthly beauties. In fact, I've been so obsessed with plastic surgery and changing my look to better myself for selfish reasons. Also, money has come up in my life. I get jealous seeing what others have. I want things that others have, I just realized that I broke another commandment. I want what does not belong to me. Everything feels like a lie, my life, my heart, my words. I do not know what to do, I pray but I feel nothing. I want to be able to once again feel the Holy Spirit and God's presence in my life again. when i worship, I want to feel the tinglings of God's presence. I want to be able to speak in tongues like others. I want to experience what they have. I want to have a strong relationship with God. I just feel so lonely and lost. But I can't give up just because of my "feelings". I'll strive and live better. To put God first in my life, and serve him whole heartedly. I refuse to sink.